As Vulnerable As It Gets...

Like every year on my birthday, I become extra introspective, and I end up here on my blog!  It's unbelievable that this thing is still alive.  I sometimes cringe a little when I read entries from more than a decade (!) ago.  I guess I have matured in my 20s and 30s.

I want to do things a little differently this year.  Instead of writing a long blog post from scratch like I did two years ago, let me lift some lines off from my daily journal.  The journal requires me to list one affirmation and one lesson every single day.  Here's a snippet of what I have written from the past few months leading up to my birthday.

Daily Affirmations

• I have what I need to provide joy and care to those around me.
• This life is a gift.  It may be broken and painful at times, but this life is good.
• In whatever profession we do, we are called to do good and do good for others.  
• When it comes down to it, I really have nothing to fear.
• Whatever difficulties I face will help me build my own character, so I can fulfill whatever purpose has been set for me.
• I am called to be a cheerful giver, not out of compulsion or self-gratification... but because it is the right thing to do.
• I give delight and joy to other people.
• Whatever I do from now on will be part of what I leave for this world.  I will do good and be a source of light to others.
• I will use wisdom and good judgment before I let out any word from my mouth.
• I will work heartily - with a full heart - and not only for myself.
• I choose faith, hope, and love...over fear.
• There's a lot of reason to celebrate - not only what I do, but more importantly, who I am and who I have become as a person.  As a human being.

What I Learned Today

• Seeking feedback and working on it is liberating.  Putting people's needs first is fulfilling.
• There's so much joy in putting others first, but I need to be intentional to create this capacity.
• I am more effective when I focus on the task at hand, the person in front of me... and less of my ego.
• Sharing others' joys and making it about them... is such a profound source of joy.
• I have a prettyyy good self-control when shopping for clothes.  Today's trip to Fab India is clear evidence.
• WhatsApp is taking up too much time.  I want to find connections outside of it.
• My emotions are my teachers.  They're not me.
• I feel alive when I have authentic connections with people.
• I need to find a place and create the space that keeps my MIND quiet, so that I can really focus.
• Bad sleep or lack of sleep really ruins my day.
• You can better identify opportunities to help when you come from a place of curiosity, not a place of judgment.
• (One week after) It's difficult to let curiosity - not judgment - lead.  But it's necessary.
• Words can kill.  There's a high cost to pay for the aftermath.
• Regret or remorse are worthless if they don't lead to a change of heart and action.
• If what you will say is mainly for your ego, don't say it.
• It energizes people when you truly take their ideas and make them BIG.
• It is okay - sometimes it is better - to be vulnerable with your boss.
• I need to be kinder to myself.  All my life, I've been my biggest critic.  I need to start being my biggest fan.
• (One day before my birthday) Doing joyful things on my own gives me energy.  Especially when they're my favorite things... and when I do them with Charlie.

As vulnerable as it gets for a 30-something me. 😍

Amor Fati, For All That Will Be: A Birthday Blog Post

Every year on my birthday, I always reflect on this quote by Dag Hammarskjöld.

Next to Christmas, my birthday is my favorite time of the year because it's when I can use the card of "it's my birthday, you have to come." It's the best excuse to have all of my favorite people in one place, and we all get to enjoy good food (#casitapatita aka Patet's Feeding Program).  I would also usually go back home for the weekend and do the same drill:  get all friends and family in one place and celebrate.

2020 and 2021 had different plans for me, though.  For all of us.  

I remember last year's birthday very clearly.  Singapore just transitioned into Phase 2, which allowed people to accept a maximum of five visitors to their home.  My birthday fell on a Sunday, and my own family organized a big lunch at home with balloons and cakes and catered food, as if I were home.  I joined on FaceTime (with Charlie as my background, who was trying to outrun a Happy Birthday balloon tied to this bum).  It was nice to have a family celebration, even though I only joined virtually.

That evening, my friends and cousin asked me what my plans were.  "Nothing.  Just birthday Zoom calls," I said with a smiley emoji on text, but deep inside, a little part of me was crushed.  And they said, "No, we're coming over.  We're bringing food and watching the Grand Prix.  You're not spending your birthday alone."  It wasn't the big usual celebration that I would have, but it wasn't any less heartwarming because it was the first time for me to share a meal with a group of warm bodies after what felt like forever, without needing internet connection.  And being Filipino, food is a key language of love.

Not surprisingly, this bunch became my defaults through the pandemic.  Working from home at each other's places, cycling through parks when indoor workouts became claustrophobic, Korean dinner deliveries on a whim just because, and weekend game nights.  Of course, all within the legal group size limit.

The pandemic stripped me of luxuries; they didn't feel like luxuries at that time, but they definitely do now.  No more family meet-up's, whether it's me visiting home or it's them visiting me.  No more travels; my goal of visiting more countries than my years of existence has been put on hold.  No more live concerts and performances; I've always believed that they're my patronus.  None of these through the pandemic.  None of these for now.

For now, all I largely have are myself and my relationships.  Of course, I have my career and the demands of a global job, too, which didn't let up through the pandemic, but managing that was the easier part.  The most difficult parts were dealing with my own self in this forced solitude and fostering relationships through screens.  

I was forced to be comfortable in my own solitude.  When there were no longer YouTube vides, books, BTS content, and Netflix shows left, the silence was terrifying:  all I could hear was my own thoughts.  In the silence of my apartment, I realized that the things I was telling myself were not the kindest.  And if I told these things to people, I would be the neighborhood Scrooge and end up losing all my friends.  I invested in therapy and counseling to learn how to detangle my thoughts, name and tame my emotions, and objectively just narrate the events so I can have a clear mind before responding to them.  I started taking better care of myself physically through the right food and exercise (lost 11 kgs in the process).  I learned how to raise and take care of a puppy.  It's true what they say:  by taking care of a dog, you end up taking care of yourself.  Charlie is a lifesaver.

I learned how to draw boundaries, both in my personal life and at work, based on the values I uphold.  Learning this was a challenge, but I also had to overcome the resulting struggle of thinking of myself as selfish.  This is where therapy helped detangle these thoughts and emotions.  Through my sessions, I learned the value of being clear with your values.  When I'm faced with a choice that threatens these, this is where I start to feel some angst, which if untamed, spirals into other emotions like resentment (for myself and others), depression, and anxiety.  So in the end, you draw boundaries not to protect your ego or anyone's ego, but to respect these values.  Initially, it felt like selfish self-preservation (which was the other struggle I'm still learning to overcome), but if this is done with compassion, kindness, and vulnerability for both yourself and others, it may well just be a foundation for healthy relationships, especially for those where you don't share the same values.

I learned the power of a safe community, where you can be vulnerable, flourish, and be a better version of you.  I think I stayed with my 'defaults' not only for the fun hangouts, which have been a source of sanity, but also for the good habits I developed because of them.  Intermittent fasting, homecooked meals, fitness, good sleep, regular workouts, cycling, art weekends.  Although it has probably resulted to an unhealthy level of spending for BTS merch and content, I learned how to take better care of myself, discover new things about myself, and actually like myself just a little more just by hanging out with them.  I also found a community that 'skips all the small talk' and openly discusses tough topics like vulnerability, courage, simplicity.  As long as I don't have night meetings and work commitments, the Thursday Zoom calls with Narnia are something to look forward to as food for the soul, no matter how long my day has been.  

I learned how to build the muscle of long-distance relationships (and I'm still learning): being there for loved ones in periods of COVID scares (real and anticipated), emotional breakdowns, virtual weddings and funerals, celebrations for wins both big and small.  I remember getting terrible news through text while I was in the middle of a work video call or when I was just waking up.  The worst being my cousin-in-law passing away suddenly because of a heart attack.  Or when I learned that my very good friend's mom was in critical condition and then passed away a few days later.  Or when I got news that family back home tested positive for COVID (they're now on the road to recovery, thank goodness).  The issues and tough meetings at work became a walk in the park during these times, and sometimes, even became a respite.  Most of my energy was spent on sleepless nights of checking in on people, tapping into networks who can provide assistance, listening to and encouraging loved ones, joining Novena masses on Zoom while trying not to breakdown.  There were also good news like setting a new sales record for my brother's gas station businesses, marriage proposals, weddings, weight loss milestones.  All this done through a screen.  Nothing will ever replace a hug, but we had to learn to trust that family and friends were there for us and re-imagine their warmth despite the distance in both good and bad times... in both good connectivity and bad.

So back to Mr. Dag Hammarskjöld.  On my birthday, I'm grateful for all the things I took for granted, the non-luxuries that are now my source of joy.  I'm grateful for family, friends, and community.  And indeed, the Stoic in me says a big YES and Amor Fati to all that will be.  What I'm learning is while we must embrace everything that comes our way, we have the power to choose what we say a bigger YES to.  

And I'm learning to choose self-love, self-compassion, values, love for family, community, bringing out the best in you and others, and being there - really being there - for moments that count.

xx from 30-something me,

P.

Checking In

I love that this blog is still around.  I almost forgot that I had this.

Just bookmarking it for now.  I've been having so many thoughts recently, mostly some sort of catharsis from the weird realities we have been put through since 2020 and the much needed solitude it brought.

I hope you're well, I hope you're happy, and I hope you're at ease...wherever you may be.

xx
P.

Synchronicity

I learned of this term last year in early December 2017.  My Dad brought it up after I described to him the events I'm about to account on this post.

November 25, Saturday.

My grandmother just got discharged from the hospital after getting the clear from the doctors.  All nine of them.  She had so many complications.  While her condition was 'almost expected' at 90, it was very difficult for all of us in the family to have witnessed it.  We could tell she was tired from all the needles and the treatments.  And while it seemed like her body was reacting well to the medication, she was exhausted.  You can only imagine the family's relief when the doctors gave us the green light.  We were going home.


November 26, Sunday.

Each of us in the family had roles to play in taking care of Lola.  I did not have the 'nursing' skills, so I spent the morning preparing the timetable for her medication.  I also helped my cousin cut all the medicine into the right dosages so whoever was taking care of her (the family took turns) would find it easy.  The family was sleep-deprived, but we all took comfort in being home instead of being at the hospital.

By noon, I had to leave for the airport for my flight to Singapore.  I was going back to work (after a seven-month sabbatical break) to take on a new role in Seoul, but I had to make a stop in the Singapore regional office.  It's a challenging role because it's completely different from what I have done in the past.  The learning curve would be steep, but I took it on to grow personally and professionally.


November 27, Monday.

I woke up with an unsettling feeling.  Perhaps it was the anticipation of heading back to work after months of being on a break.  Perhaps it was the anxiety of taking on a new role and moving to a new country with zero connections.  Perhaps I was missing home so soon.

I submitted my passport to the Korea Embassy at around noon time for my business visa to Seoul.  The next few hours were spent in meetings with my previous team and in introduction sessions with my new team.  The unsettling feeling persisted.  Perhaps I shouldn't have gone back to work so soon.

Then at around 5o'clock in the afternoon, I got a call from my cousin.  I picked up, and all I could hear was sobbing.  Then I knew.  She didn't have to say it.  I knew Lola had passed away.

The unsettling feeling was my premonition.

We knew that her passing was imminent.  Inevitable even.  We knew she could go anytime.  We were mentally prepared.  That's the thing with Grief, though.  No amount of mental preparedness can protect you from it.  The Grief of losing a loved one.  The cold reality that you will never get to see her again in this lifetime.  When Grief hits, there's no way around it but through it.


In hindsight.

Had she passed away before I left for Singapore, I would have dropped all my plans of flying to Singapore and Seoul for on-boarding meetings.  Had she passed away before I gave my passport up for visa application, I would have gone back to Changi Airport in a heartbeat without any luggage and boarded the next flight home at whatever cost.  I would have gone to Seoul and Singapore after Christmas for on-boarding meetings and missed the opportunity to on-board with my predecessor so I could be with the family.

Somehow, maybe my Lola wanted me to go on with my life as though she hadn't been sick dying.  As though my time at home was like any other trip for me.  She was practical and selfless to her very last breath.

In the end, I made the decision based on the choices in front of me.  The margin of making a very different decision was a matter of a day or even a few hours.

So whenever I have tough days in Seoul not just with work but also with the loneliness of being an expat in a homogeneous society, I think to myself that I am where I am meant to be.

And when you are where you are meant to be, you wake up, dress up, and show up no matter how tough it would seem.  You put on your lipstick and deal with the day with a smile.  As Lola would have done.

xx
P.

It Takes One Song

It's both strange and beautiful how one song - ONE SONG - can open a floodgate of emotions and memories.

It's more memories of emotions, really.  It wasn't a particular event.  But tidbits of moments and how deeply I felt in those moments.

Happened to me when I recovered my iTunes playlists and played this gem from Bloc Party.

I still remember how it felt when our fingers almost touched.  And I still remember how it felt when you held my hand through the crowd.  And how content I felt walking through the park with you.  And that happy silence that filled the lift after that long night.

You should have asked me for it

And our love could have soared

I would let you if you asked me

I still remember

All you needed to do was is ask.

xx,

P.

"Just One Drink" to Start the Weekend

You know what they say about having just one drink?  Well, it's never true.  Unless you're drinking just a glass of wine for a night cap.  But after work on a Friday?  Especially after leaving the office at 9:30pm?

Whoever invites you for a drink - or maybe even just a couple of drinks - is a big liar.

And at the end of the night, you'll be happy you're friends with these kinds of liars.

I left the office at 9:30pm (yes, it's a shame).  It's been a busy week at work, and I'm preparing for a big training next week.  I got a message from a friend who also happened to be working late on a Friday night, inviting me for a drink near his office.  Having eaten nothing but crackers since 11am and being brain-fried after a long week, the only logical response was yes.

So I went.  We went to a pub that serves food so I could have my dinner.  After a couple of rounds of Jack and beer, his friend came to join us.  Naturally, a third round was in order.  The bill came, the restaurant was about to close, but it was too soon to end the night.  We had been out of office for just a couple of hours anyway.  And with the conversation going well - from movies, to sexism in movies (there's a set of criteria for it), crying over movies (Free Willy and Breakfast at Tiffany's), how we love multidimensional villains, being away from home, food places in Singapore - we decided to head to a hidden bar in Boat Quay.

It's one of those bars that you never knew existed in an alley that you also never knew existed.  All you see is a sliding door from the outside.  You don't hear anything.  You do see people coming in and out, but you might think it's just a passageway to the parking lot or the main street.  You get into a lift and you press the button that takes you to the attic.

And when the lift doors open, it's a completely different world altogether.  The bar has a live band, a wall of drinks, a balcony that gives you a good view of the Singapore skyline from the fifth floor, a good crowd.  J bought the first round of drinks.  To make it fair, I bought the next one, and IP bought the last one.  Over the course of three rounds, we talked about life dreams, long-distance relationships, traveling around the world, different types of music, photography.  I guess you can say we became better friends just because we shared parts of ourselves that you wouldn't normally share in the usual party small-talk, which can get exhausting after some point really.  The next thing we knew, the lights were on, and the bar manager was almost begging us to leave.  It was past 3am.

All because of the simple lie on having just one drink.  One drink is never just one drink.  And it's always great to lie to yourself and to your friends about this.  Especially if you get great conversations out of it, you discover new parts of the city, and you feel more connected with your friends.

These are my favorite nights-out.  The ones that bring you a lot of surprises - the good ones - and new experiences.

Great way to start the weekend.

x

P.

Angels

I've always believed in angels.  It may be my Catholic upbringing.  I think most of it is just faith.

I believe they're always around us to watch over us, to guide us to the right path.  To guide our hands on the wheel when we drive.  To lead us to a detour path to avoid that accident.  I believe they're always around to protect us from harm.

I believe they're around to hold us when the world is crumbling.  To whisper that everything is going to be alright when our hearts are breaking.  To put us to deep sleep and make everything better in the morning.

Some of them come with wings - the ones whom we don't see, in whose presence we feel safe and comforted.  Others come in the form of family and friends.  Strangers with big hearts.  Loved ones who would rush to your side in a heartbeat.  It takes an open and grateful heart to see them and feel them.  They're everywhere, and I can't be more thankful.

Thank you God for the angels.

-P.

On Living Alone

For the first time in my whole life, I'm living alone.

When I was sixteen, I started living in the university dorm with three other people in the room.  That wasn't my first time to learn how to co-habitate as my brother and I shared the same room, but it was my first time to live with friends.  It was fun - especially that two of them have been my super-duper good friends since high school (and they will always be).

At twenty-one, I moved to Singapore for my first (and current) job.  Of course, with rent being so expensive, the only practical thing to do was share a flat with a flatmate.  I didn't mind really, as I'm used to living with other people.  In fact, this was an 'upgrade' because it was the first time I had my very own room.  It was easy.

Now, after six years, three Singapore apartments, and six (and a half) flatmates, I finally decided to live alone.  People ask me whether it's lonely.  It's not, and I honestly think it's one of the best things that happened to me as far as 'residency' is concerned.

Here are some of the best things about living alone.

1. I can have my own musical.  Anytime, anywhere in the house, with any outfit.  So far, I haven't received any complaints from the neighbors.  Not yet.
2. Everything's mine.  Even the mess.  It used to bother me so much when I left the dishes for more than a day.  Or when I left a scarf or a piece of clothing in the living room.  Or even when my own room was messy.  Because it might bother my flatmate, or worse, I might get slightly judged.  And the latter would sometimes be the trigger for fixing up.  Now, I clean up after my own mess everything because I hate coming home to a messy house.  I'm doing it for myself and not for anyone else.
3. I can run out of the bathroom to grab a towel in case I forget one.  Without hesitation.
4. It's a sanctuary.  I'm a very social person, and when I'm out of the house, I love being around people.  Despite this, I do need my alone time.  Time to recharge and write on my journal and read my books and work on my photos.  And daydream without disruption.  Time to be with myself.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type who would just ignore people (there are exceptions which deserves another blog entry altogether), but there are times when I just don't want to talk to anyone.  Just because.  Especially after a long day.
5. Music in full volume.  Any genre.  Whatever I like.
6. I can host parties anytime I want without bothering anyone.  I love hosting people.  It doesn't have to be the intricately planned gatherings.  In fact, I love the impromptu gatherings even more.
7. I can take Alanis Morissette's second advice.  If you get it, we've just become better friends.
8. I've become more responsible.  When I decided to live alone, it came with the decision to be more independent.  Which included independence from any helper. Now I do everything on my own - cleaning, ironing, cooking.  Everything.
9. I've become more organized.  Because of the extra space I have, it's much easier to organize my things.  I can use the living room closets freely.  And I've started organizing the kitchen too.
10. No remote control sharing.  I love my NatGeo shows and my HBO movies.  No one changes the channel.

The only bad thing is that no one can zip me up or unzip me for those difficult dresses.  But well...I've already figured out a way around that.

-P.

Finitude

Indeed, when you know something will end, you are bound to make the most out of it.  Such is life.  And everything that comes with it.  Even the most amazing and wonderful things we experience.  It makes each moment so much more meaningful.  And yet each moment is also so fleeting.  Like everything is temporary and everyone is a passerby.  Does it mean then that with each moment of bliss, we should expect grief.  That our hearts are meant to be broken over and over again?  We seem to live in small moments every single day.  And it seems so hard to hold on to these moments.  They'll be gone in a blink of an eye.  All that's left are the photos and the words in a journal.  

Is life just meant to be a memory?

-P.

Mes Que Un Club

My mother has been a football fan ever since, and I grew up recognizing names like Maradona, Pele, and Ronaldo (the Brazilian one, not the collar-popping one).  I also grew up in a football-crazy city/province (and it seems like all my childhood crushes were football players).  I grew up appreciating the sport, but it wasn't until after the 2010 World Cup two years ago that I started following it religiously...particularly a team that made me fall in love with the sport.  FC Barcelona.

Over the last two years, I've developed this fanaticism towards the club.  I just loved watching them play week after week.  There was a period when I wouldn't go to bed unless I've read all articles tagged "Barcelona" on goal.com and bleacherreport.com (including the ones that criticize the club).  I would stay up until 5 in the morning to watch a match no matter how drunk I was after a party.  There was also this time when I had to excuse myself from my friends in a club, saying I had to go home because of El Clasico.  I have declared myself a cule.

Being an idealist, I gravitate towards people and institutions which pride themselves in having and believing in a set of values.  More than the club's performances and achievements, I guess this was what made me respect the club so much.  I love how they believe that football is more than just paying large amounts of money to expensive players and that one doesn't have to be physically superior to be good at the game.  I love how they believe in a certain philosophy of playing the game and they stick to that match after match.  Even in defeat, they pride themselves in sticking to who they are and graciously accept that another team has won over them.  In last year's Champion's league final at Wembley, Manchester United's mosaic said "Spirit of '68," while Barcelona's simply said "We love football" - and they definitely showed this on the pitch in one of their most stellar performances.

I guess it also says a lot about how nationalistic they are towards Catalonia.  At a certain period in their history, the football club was their only legal means to express who they are and Camp Nou became the venue for this.  Over time, the club became a part of Catalan culture and identity.  Perhaps for Guardiola, Pique, Cesc, Xavi, and Puyol, playing for the club means playing for Catalonia.  Pique said in an interview before the second leg vs. Chelsea that before he came a player for this club, he was a fan.  His grandfather/father made him a club member the day he was born.  There seems to be a feeling that what they are playing for is so much bigger than themselves.  In the last El Clasico, instead of putting up a mosaic that would give a bullish message, they just said "Som i Serem" - "We are and we will be."  And I found it so beautiful.

Just over the last week, we lost to Chelsea in the first leg, lost to Madrid in this weekend's El Clasico, and failed to move forward to the Champions League Finals in Munich.  On top of that, it was disappointing to see Messi miss a penalty in a crucial match.  Expectedly, the papers are slashing the team's throat - it's Blaugrana bloodshed all over the press.  Clearly not the best of weeks for cules all over the world.  Still, congratulations to my Madrid and Chelsea friends.

Somebody once told me (in a condescending way I might add) that I just started following the club when they started winning titles.  There's some truth to that because I *did* start following them during their winning streak.  At some point, I started to ask myself, if Barcelona wasn't winning, would I still be this big of a fan.  I got my answer this morning after the Barça-Chelsea match.

Fans always want their teams to win, but seeing Barça lose so graciously to Chelsea and Madrid made me love the club even more.  I am never someone who would trash talk or disrespect a club (yes, even Madrid whom I respect - except for Pepe whom I just dislike to the core), so I just feel so proud how Guardiola and Cesc reacted after the defeat to Chelsea.  I'm even prouder how the Camp Nou faithful reacted to Torres's decisive goal that officially eliminated Barcelona from the Champions league run:  proudly chanting Ole and tweeting the hashtag #noslevantaremos (we will get up or we will pick ourselves up).

Win or lose, I'll stand by this club and wear its colors proudly.  And I'll always be thankful how they made me fall in love with this wonderful sport.  Visca Barça!

P.S.  I knew a 160-character tweet wouldn't be enough to explain how I felt after the series of defeats :)