The Little Bird in my Lungs

For the first time in 15 years, I'm using an inhaler. The last time I remember using one was when I was 9 or 10. Maybe in 3rd or 4th Grade. I've been asthmatic since I was (wait for it) 9 months old, but lately, the wheezing got worse especially in the morning when I wake up. Feels like my air sacs (or alveoli) have been punctured that not too much air stays in my lungs despite how deep I breathe.

When I was a kid, it would happen every single month. School authorities would contact my parents to check whether they would still send me back, thinking I've stopped schooling completely, not knowing I was in the hospital. I frequented the hospital so much when I was young that the nurses and attendants attended my Grade School graduation. We would have the privilege of picking a certain wing in the hospital - the wing where all our "friend nurses" would be on duty. It was the privilege only regular customers could get.

As I started taking swimming lessons and got into sports (like volleyball and badminton) when I was 9, the asthma attacks and breathing difficulties started to get less frequent. Until such time when it was just fatigue-induced (instead of being a monthly expectation). Back in high school, my attacks would come during the weeks close to the quarterly examinations. Being the perfectionist and competitive kid that I was, I would study extra hard during these days. Re-reading notes and chapters just to internalize the lesson, or perhaps re-checking my solutions to math problems and working them backwards all night. It took a toll on my health, but not a serious one compared to when I was much younger. Because I've had it since I was a kid, I could easily sense its onset (colds, cough, itchy throat) and preempt it by self-medicating. The prescriptions were always Ventolin Expectorant (10 mL every 8 hours - 6am, 2pm, 10pm), Ventolin nebules (to be nebulized twice a day - morning and night), 2 puffs on the inhaler (every 8 hours, to be taken with the Ventolin Expectorant.)

When I started working, the asthma still comes and goes. And it can be attributed to my neglect on good, healthy habits like getting enough rest (i.e. getting enough sleep on weeknights). It's not really the stress, but it's more of how I tire myself out. And since I've been a self-confessed workaholic especially for the past few weeks, that little wheezing bird in my lungs started singing again. (It didn't help that I flew in from minus-zero Russia to high-heat-and-humidity Singapore.)

So last week, I went to see the doctor. I gave him two options (like any good CMK-er would): either he makes me nebulize or he gives me an inhaler so I can stop the wheezing. He said since I'll be traveling again soon, an inhaler would be more sustainable. I know that most people are not familiar with this device - i.e. I think when they see me using it, they'd think I'm dying. This is why when I use it, I try to be as discreet as possible so as not to get people to fuss over it. (Except in Saturday's Spanish class when the teacher made a joke and I laughed so hard that I ran out of breath and started wheezing.)

I guess it will be my security blanket over the next few weeks until the wheezing is completely gone. I just hate being dependent on something. It makes me feel fragile, and I hate that feeling. (Everybody wants to feel invincible.) It reminds me of how my Dad got sick because he worked himself to the bone. I guess I inherited this from him. And I also remember how I lectured him about how he should take care of his health. I guess when you're enjoying doing something, you just forget about your health. (I wonder if this is what happened to Steve Jobs.)

So yes, Universe. Touche.

Travel Tidbits

If there's anything I really love doing, it's traveling. I'm the type of traveler who can just go to a place and figure it out. I love exploring and I love discovering new things about the place, its history, its culture and its people. (People just don't get why I'm really okay traveling alone.)

But one of the other things I love most is who I become when I travel. I become detached from the day-to-day grind and more in touch with the things around me AND my thoughts.

Then the words just flow like water.

I've kept a travel journal since August 2009. Here are some tidbits from my trips. These are tidbits, so coherence is compromised :)

* * *

Today, I realized that people are more alike than different.

Aug 4 '09. 4:24 pm. Delhi.

Quoting K (a colleague. ed): This airport will be a low-cost airport next year. This will probably be the best low-cost airport in the world soon.

Aug 5 '09. 8:06 pm. Delhi Airport.

I honestly don't know what to do in Phuket.

...

If everything has been written...if your freedom has been pre-defined at a certain point in your life, what then is human will for? Is life but a garden of forking paths as how Jorge Luis Borges would put it?

Oct 15 '09. 7:00pm. Seat 9A, TR154. En route to Phuket.

How can you be happy with your current freedom knowing there's something more that can make you happier? How can you be happy with your current freedom without having the feeling that you're settling?

Oct 15 '09. 10:00pm. Room 808, Andaman Beach Suites Hotel, Phuket.

I find random conversations with complete strangers refreshing - especially when you feel that inclination to learn more about the other and the security to share parts of who you are. I think it's both a celebration of the diversity of the human race and an affirmation of how we share the same core as human beings. It's beautiful.

Oct 17 '09. 5:18pm. Phuket.

Keeping a journal does not only let you keep thoughts and memories. It also gives you the chance to ignore some others and choose which ones are worth keeping.

Oct 18 '09. 1:38pm. Phuket.

I know that the point of flying business class on red-eye flights is so that you can be well-rested - i.e. sleep well. But the thought of having this perk and actually experiencing it is too much for me to handle and just fall asleep on!

Feb 4/5 '10. SQ 407. Delhi-Singapore.

Happy Valentine's!!! With L now at Phi Phi Sawasdee Restaurant having lunch. "To wishing, hoping, and trusting."

Feb 14 '10. 1:35pm. Phuket.

Don't plan too much. Leave room for the universe to surprise (and delight) you.

Feb 15 '10. Around 6pm. En route back to Singapore.

I have this feeling that Munich is being taken for granted by its people. It has this vibe that it can be - or used to be - so alive, but it just isn't. It has a sleepy soul, I would say. (Ahh, sipping hot chocolate never felt so good!)

May 5 '10. 5:44pm. Munich.

I spoke with this lady in the train. She doesn't speak English. I wonder why most Europeans can't speak English. It must be the same with most Americans who can't speak any other language but English.

May 5 '10. In the train to Regensburg.

I think I know why I like to travel alone at times. When I want to explore a city, I'd rather be on my own. When I want to go to places like Disneyland, I'd rather be with family and friends.

May 6 '10. In a train to Vienna, passing by the Danube.

We just came from two cemeteries: Central Cemetery (Zentralfriedhof) and Cemetery of the Nameless (Friedhof der Namenlossen). Everyone dies, everyone's destiny is death. But having a name on your grave immortalizes you in a way. There's a world of difference between being remembered and being forgotten after your death. The question though is whether this matters as much as how the person lived his/her life.

May 6 '10. 8:19pm. The Prater, Vienna.

I wonder if the way people or races look has something to do with evolution...Asians, Africans, and Caucasians really look different. What did evolution have to do with this?

May 6 '10. 9:30pm. Vienna Operahouse.

I see a lot of old people bringing pets around. Is it this lonely in Europe?

May 7 '10. 8:36pm. Carl Sperl, Vienna.

H said something about the right brain and the subconscious being more active during that time between waking and sleeping. You know that feeling when you're tipsy? It's kind of the same feeling. Maybe this is why we say what we mean when we're drunk. Maybe that's why Edgar Allan Poe could write so well.

May 8 '10. 5:47pm. In a train on the way back to Regensburg.

I had a great time last night celebrating my birthday.

Jul 6 '10. 7:35am. Delhi.

I may have regretted a lot of things, but there's no other way to move but forward.

Aug 22 '10. NAIA Terminal 3, Manila.

I believe in endless possibilities.

Aug 22 '10. In the plane, en route to Singapore.

...I also got inspired with what C said. She said that whenever something like this happens, I should be thankful for what's happening instead of moping over what's NOT happening.

Sep 26 '10. 2:50pm. En route to Frankfurt.

I'm ecstatic that I'm flying under European skies once again!

Sep 27 '10. 8:19am. En route to Brussels from Frankfurt.

I just realized that the weather has power over the people and a lot of other things in Europe.

Oct 2 '10. 10:05am. On the way to Paris.

I know I'm supposed to have French food and all, but I walked all the way from the Louvre! And in the Louvre, I walked around so much as well. And since this was the first non-overpriced restaurant I found, I just had to have a seat!

Oct 2 '10. 4:40pm. Cafe di Roma, Champs Elysees, Paris.

I wish we had something like this [convenient commute system] in the Philippines. Something that could provide the public an easy way to get around. An easy access to places and hence, opportunities.

Oct 3 '10. 1:42pm. Charles Quint Cafe, near the Grand Place, Brussels.

I had a FANTASTIC day at work today!

Oct 4 '10. 9:55pm. Geneva.

I don't know exactly what time it is. I'm flying somewhere between Dubai and Cairo. Over this vast, vast desert. Looking out the window, I don't see any clouds. Is it because the desert is so dry that the water cycle is also very minimal? You know how water "ploughs" the shore and leaves traces that look like canals? The whole terrain looks exactly like that. Random question: What causes terrains to be as they are?

Dec 4 '10. 12:06pm SG time. En route to Cairo.

OMG. This is the first time that I can remember flying under a full moon. Everything outside my plane window is MOONLIT. Everything! The clouds and the plane's wings look like they're glowing. And then there are stars!!! It's amazing! Now I know how Jasmine must've felt.

Feb 18 '11. 11pm. Flying somewhere between Guangzhou and Beijing.

I'm officially lost! I guess the mantra "I'll just get there and figure it out" doesn't work as well here in Russia as in the other countries I've visited. But two ladies here in the cafe where I'm at taught me how to get there [The Red Square] and I think I'll find my way. Snow is falling outside, and it's lovely.

Mar 12 '11. 11:04am. Somewhere in Moscow.

I had another close call. I missed the Aeroexpress train by seconds!!! It was heartbreaking to watch the train go off without me. And when I was mentally banging my head on the wall, all I could hear was my Mom's voice.

...

It makes you think that there might just be one principle or power governing the universe. If we see these similar patterns across different fields and schools of thought, surely all of these things must be connected one way or another. Or there must be something connecting all of us and all the things that are happening in the world. It makes you question why people tend to focus so much on differences and hence wars are waged. If people can only realize that our cores are more alike than different, then this world will be a better place. And maybe it's not only this that people should realize. It's also about believing in the kindness and goodness in each one.

...This thought makes me hopeful and depressed at the same time.

Mar 12 '11. 6:20pm. Plane just took off from Moscow en route to St. Petersburg.

I just love how Europeans value history, art, and culture. You see it in how the locals visit the museums. I haven't really found that in Asia. I wonder if it's because in Asia there are lots of other problems that need to get solved first - like poverty, infrastructure, education, etc. - before people even start to care about "higher order" things like art. I wonder if there's a correlation between economic factors/standard of living with "cultural score."

Mar 13 '11. 4:26pm. In a restaurant called Mama Roma, St. Petersburg.

The Hermitage was just amazing! The paintings were amazing! I just realized today that Rembrandt's "The Return of the Prodigal Son" is in the Hermitage!!! And I just used to read about it. But anyway, I rented an audioguide. It was quite helpful because it pointed out details that I wouldn't have known otherwise if I didn't have it. Details like how the floor and the ceiling in the Grand Throne Room were identical. Or how light and shadow played a role in the paintings of Rembrandt, Caravaggio, etc. But then I was thinking whether some of the commentaries are bordering on bullshit. You know how a fortuneteller tells you how certain things mean something? I felt that with some comments. Like how an open window symbolized "eternity" in Da Vinci's Madonna Benois.

Mar 18 '11. 6:45pm. In a cafe somewhere along the Nevsky, St. Petersburg.

According to a news article by Time, the moon tonight is 30% brighter. It shines even brighter from my plane window! It's almost white. You know how you puncture a hole on the wall of a small, dark room? That's how it looks like!

Mar 20/21 '11. Flying somewhere over Asia.